Shiva Traditions and Customs
-You are paying a "Shiva Call"
OR
-You are "In Mourning"
and are looking for some guidelines
Shiva Traditions and Customs
After the burial, mourners return home to sit Shiva for seven days. Shiva is a Hebrew word for seven. During the Shiva week, mourners are expected to remain at home.
There are seven relatives for whom a Jew is required to observe Shiva: father, mother, brother or sister, son, daughter, or spouse. During the Shiva week prayer services are usually conducted at the Shiva house.
What is Shiva?
Shiva is the week long period of mourning following a loved one's death. During this time, family members traditionally gather in one home to receive visitors. The word "Shiva" means seated, because the mourners are supposed to sit low to the ground during the mourning
period. Traditionally Shiva lasts for seven days, starting immediately after the funeral, but some people choose to observe fewer days of Shiva.
Keep this in Mind
Shiva is a time to show support to the family of the person who died. Even if you knew the person who died, and you're personally devastated, it's important that at the Shiva, you make an effort to be a comforting presence to the family. If you're so emotional that you think you can't get past your own grief you may want to plan a very short visit, or send a card instead.
Things To Know, Before You Go To Shiva
Different families make different choices about where, when, and how long they want to sit shiva. Usually the shiva is held in the home of the deceased, but this is not always possible or convenient for the family, so it's best to check. Traditionally Shiva lasts for seven days, starting immediately after the funeral, but some people choose to observe fewer days of Shiva. Find out how long the family will be sitting Shiva, and if they have designated hours for visitation. Some Shiva houses are open for Shiva calls all day, others only for a few hours in the morning and/or evening. Check ahead of time to make sure you don't show up at a time when the family was hoping to grieve privately. Your Shiva Family's website was created to make this information easy to access and convenient to pass along so the community can do it's part in participating. A family in mourning needs to feel the support of their community. Often this information is also available from the funeral home or the synagogue/temple that the family belongs to. If all else fails, call the house or close friend.
What to Wear
A Shiva need not be a formal occasion, but it's important to dress respectfully. Go for something simple.
What to Bring
Many communities will have set up a rotation of people bringing meals to the mourners during and immediately after the Shiva. If you'd like to help by bringing a meal, see if you can find
out if someone is coordinating such efforts, and be in touch with them. You can also bring some prepared food with you when you make the Shiva call. If you're not into cooking, and don't want to get something delivered, consider bringing a plant, or a book (a book about mourning or grief is a good choice). It's customary not to bring flowers to a Shiva, because flowers die.
YOURSHIVAFAMILY: This website was created to help families in mourning by formally arranging meals and platters to be delivered during shiva period. Contact us today to see how we can help a family in your community.
The Meal of Condolence
The first meal eaten by the mourner upon return from the cemetery is called the meal of condolence, prepared and served by friends, creating an atmosphere of support. The
family should eat before anyone else. It is a Jewish custom to include round foods such as hard-boiled eggs, symbolizing eternal life or the cyclical nature of life. The word Shiva comes from the Hebrew word for seven.
Bring the Kids?
The deciding factor here should be whether or not the mourners know (and like) your kids, and whether there will be other kids there. If the grandmother of one of your daughter's preschool
friends dies, and you know her parents are sitting Shiva, it might be nice to bring your daughter over to play for a bit while you visit with the parents. If you don't think there will be any kids there, or if the mourners don't know your children, you may want to leave the kids at home.
When You Arrive at the Shiva house:
Washing Of The Hands: Some Shiva houses have a pitcher with water just outside the front door on the day of the funeral. Upon returning from the cemetery each individual pours water upon their hands before entering the Shiva home. Washing of the hands symbolically represents separating ourselves from the spiritual impurity Judaism attributes to death. Because cemeteries are places of spiritual impurity, there is a custom of washing your hands before entering the house after having gone to the cemetery. You can choose if you'd like to wash your hands with the pitcher and water provided.
What Should I Say to a mourner?
There is a tradition not to greet people at a Shiva house, and in fact not to speak at all until
one of the mourners has first spoken to you. Though this may seem strange, the idea is that there really isn't much that one can say to someone experiencing profound loss. And they may not want to talk at all. Of course, not everyone observes this custom, but if you walk into a Shiva house and find it eerily quiet even though it's filled with people, this is probably what's going on.
If the mourner does seem to be in the mood to talk, Shiva is a great opportunity to share some
memories of the deceased. If you didn't know the person who died, you can ask the mourners to tell you some of their favorite memories. Many families take out family photos at a Shiva, and they can be a nice way to get a mourner to share some stories about the person who passed away.
If you can't think of anything else to say, there is a traditional line for Jewish mourners:
in Hebrew, "Hamakom yenachem etchem b'toch sha'ar avlei tzion ve'yerushaluyim" or
in English, "May God comfort you with the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
Inside the Home
Mirrors: You may notice that Mirrors in the house of mourning may be covered to disassociate ourselves from our general concern with our physical appearance. The covering of mirrors emphasizes a period of time set aside for spiritual reflection.
Lighting the Shiva Candle: Upon returning home from the cemetery, a Shiva (seven day) candle, usually provided by the funeral home, is lit immediately. It should be placed in the room where Shiva will be observed. It symbolizes the soul of the human being, as one of our psalms states, "The Candle of the L-rd is the soul of a man".
Chairs: Seating for the mourners should be arranged. The mourners may be lower to the floor than the general seating. This custom is to reinforce the mourners’ inner emotions. Feeling “low” is a symbol of depression, in Jewish law depression is acted out literally. When individuals visit to offer comfort it is appropriate for the mourner to be seated. Mourners may have the relatives of the deceased sit on couches or seats that have been stripped of their cushions. The low seating is a throwback to a time when sitting on the ground symbolized mourning.
Torn Clothing: Other common customs include the mourners wearing a shirt or a ribbon that has been torn over the heart, to symbolize the way that grief tears at our hearts, and going barefoot, because shoes were traditionally seen as luxury items.
Doors Are Left Unlocked: Doors are left unlocked so that visitors can enter without knocking or ringing the doorbell, which would distract the mourners from their grief and cause them to act as hosts.
The Prayer Services
Traditional services are usually held in the morning (Shacharit), late afternoon (Mincha) and evening (Maariv). It is good to pay a Shiva call during these times, because a quorum of people (Minyan, 10 people) is needed to conduct the service and for the mourners to recite Kaddish.
Shiva & Holiday
If Shiva has begun and there’s a major holiday (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Shavuot, Sukkot) then Shiva is considered complete and no other days are observed. If a death occurs on the holiday itself, then the burial and Shiva begin afterward.
Shiva Restrictions & Prohibitions
Observing the various traditions is a personal decision. There are many traditional Shiva restrictions which included no wearing of new clothes, no shaving for men, no washing clothes, no bathing; there are many other restrictions as well for observant Jewish mourners ask your Clergy to help you decide what is right for you.
Leaving the Shiva Home:
If you do not know the time-honored declaration which is traditionally recited as you are about to leave, then simply say: “May G-d soon comfort you upon your loss together with all other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
The Seventh Day & Beyond
On the seventh and last day of Shiva, the mourners are required to sit for only a small part of the day followed by a walk around the block, symbolizing the return to the regular world. Shiva is followed by a longer and less intense stage of mourning. First, is shloshim (thirty), a thirty-day period and then a year of mourning. Jewish law mandates a full year of mourning for one’s parents, the mourning period for all others terminates at the end of shloshim. On the
anniversary of the Hebrew date (some use English date) of death, mourners light a 24-hour candle and recite the mourners’ kaddish This is called the Yahrzeit date. Four times a year, (Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, Passover and Shavouth) individuals in the Jewish commuity remember their deceased loved ones in communal prayer called Yizkor. Again, a 24-hour candle is lit.
Afterwards the Shiva Mourning Period:
A really nice thing to do at a Shiva is offering to come by and spend some time with the person after Shiva is over. Getting back to everyday life after a loss is difficult, and it can be really meaningful and nice for people to know that you're still happy to be supportive when Shiva is done. If they have small kids, set up a play-date, or just ask if they'd like to have a coffee or take a walk the next week. A small gesture like this can go a long way to making sure someone knows you care and have them in your thoughts.